Improving The DC Commute

I recently moved from the empty streets of Pocatello to the clogged arteries of the DC Area. I miss the peace of mind I had on the Idaho roadways, and the short time it took to get anywhere in town. While traveling to the same spot as thousands of others means there will be some congestion, it doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun doing it. Here are three ideas to make the DC commute more enjoyable:

1. Have parties on the metro. Why does everybody operate like a drone? The social rules of the metro allow riders only to listen to ipods, read books or briefs, and take awkward glances at each other while standing within inches. We need people dancing in the aisles, singing cheesy songs together and creating a metro community. I recommend “Take me out to the Ball Game” or “Jimmy Crack Corn and I don’t care.”

2. Use chutes and ladders instead of escalators and elevators at metro stations. Imagine sliding down the Foggy Bottom entrance in a potato bag! How exciting! Slides are cheap to maintain and a whole lot of fun. Ladders would help us keep in better shape. We could have ladder races with lower health care premiums for the winners.

3. Assign themes to metro cars. Just imagine: The Texas Hold ‘Em Car. The Book Club Car. The Swinger Car. The Redskins Car. Getting people to engage in activities and shared interests on the metro would be good for everyone. Community Groups could sponsor certain cars and advertisers could target their audiences more effectively, allowing metro to bring in more revenue.

These few steps would make riding the metro a more pleasant experience. More people would choose to ride the metro than use cars for the added value of interacting with friends and having a good time, and revenue for public transportation would increase.

First signs of homosexuality

Brace yourselves: I caught my son licking a purple ribbon today. And it wasn’t just any ribbon, it was smooth, soft and satiny. Does that mean…you know…that he could be…gay?

He’s only six months old, so it still may be too early to tell. Not that I’m paranoid, but my “little slugger” did seem especially interested when Brüno appeared on the Today show in those disgusting leather pants, high-fashion boots and shiny blouse. I’ve also noticed how much he likes to put things into his mouth…

No! What am I thinking!?! This is absurd! My wife and I haven’t once dressed him in pink! And these eyes have never seen a more manly looking baby than when he’s wearing his “Daddy’s little athlete” T-shirt and matching pants. It just can’t be!

I suppose my only course of action is to closely monitor my son, making sure he eats more hearty grain cereals than fruit ones. And I’ll have to stop my wife from watching “Dancing with the Stars” and certainly “So you think you can Dance?” while my boy is in the room. I’m sure he prefers college football and Ultimate Fighting anyway.

As for the purple ribbon, I made sure to replace it with a steak-flavored image of Carmen Electra. Wish him luck!

28 and nearly a father

Today is my 28th birthday. Today is also the day my first child could be born. At this very moment, my wife’s belly pokes out like she swallowed a watermelon, and could burst at any time. A dad at 28…

My parents were considerably younger when they had their first. My dad was a strapping 25. My mom? An innocent 20 (well, maybe not so innocent…).

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone on this. Most people I know aren’t having kids until their late 20s or 30s. Celebrities are 40 and giving birth to their firstborns. Being under 25 and “Mommy” or “Daddy” just isn’t in style anymore.

So what is the difference? For starters, the “Me” Generation is getting older, and is still focused largely on itself. Rather than taking on the extra responsibility of raising children, we’re taking extra vacations all over the globe. Rather than frequently changing diapers, we’re frequently changing careers in pursuit of that “perfect” job. Once you take into account our penchant for fine things, free time and fun with the struggling economy, and raising children poses itself as the threat to end all happiness.

But I think there are some things many of the “Me” Generation are forgetting. Endless pursuit of pleasure results in disappointment and regret. The easy life is not a rewarding life. The tough times make the good ones much better in the end.

Here’s to children!

Video Games: In striving to rule them, do they rule us?

Ahhhh, video games. Got to love ‘em. Got to hate ‘em. Never before has sitting on a hard, uncomfortable floor with a hot computer on your lap been SO much fun.

I play Warcraft III on my laptop. The game was a Christmas present from family two or three years ago. Tonight I played my 2,912th game online. I know…ridiculous. For me, the pleasure is in outthinking (and outclicking) an opponent. The competition is addictive.

Not only that, but I still don’t have my 1,500 win icon, and for some reason I can’t stop until I have that ominous blindfolded demon appearing next to my screenname for all nerds online to admire.

The excessive gaming hasn’t come without consequence. I occasionally disappoint my wife (and myself) with the hours I spend hooked to my machine. I don’t exercise as much as I used to. I don’t read or watch TV. I play less piano. I don’t socialize as much as I could.

So why? Why play?

I have a couple of theories. First, I believe that success through video game competition is an artificial boost of self-esteem. The games make you feel like you are accomplishing something. And success in the games comes relatively easy, compared to in the real world. Defeating a demon might take a few hours of steady play. Surpassing a boss at work could take a whole career.

In addition to making you feel good, video games take you into another reality that is a little more interesting than most. They let you be a Hero, a Commander of a great army, or a Rock Star. At work I’m just a Regional Account Manager. Video games provide that escape from reality and make you feel more important than you really are.

I’m not sure what this says about society. Maybe you readers have some ideas about this. But from my perspective, it seems like we could use a little more excitement and variety at the workplace and a little more cultural appreciation and acknowledgement for all the ordinary people. Or maybe we gamers just need a little more discipline to unplug our vices from time to time.

What do you think?

Sean Hannity shooting himself in the foot…

What is it with people like Sean Hannity? No, I’m not calling into question his ideas about government. I’m talking about his self-righteous, “I-know-everything” attitude.

This guy dedicates whole segments of his nationally syndicated show to berate those who disagree with him. Those who are on his side are “Great Americans.”

Not long ago, he came to Salt Lake City to “debate” then Mayor Rocky Anderson on Bush’s Iraq policy. When Hannity couldn’t make a point, he made sure he had an insult and his derogatory chuckle standing by.

It is ironic that attitudes and paradigms like his will probably result in Barack Obama becoming President. Americans, largely, are fed up with the bickering. We want fewer negative critics and more positive leaders. How fortunate we have a candidate this year who represents that type of change.